Teaching the Pervert How
by FluffyLemonn
Summary: When Kagome and Inuyasha try to find Sango and Miroku, they overhear a conversation... one that can be taken SO many ways. Have fun, you little perverts you! (Written by the author of Slave to One's Fears)


Disclaimer: No sir-ee.

()

"And _that_," said Sango smugly, "Is how you gut a weasel youkai in order to prepare it for eating." Inuyasha nodded nonchalantly his black hair contrasting against the light of the fire. However, that could not speak as nicely for the rest of the group. Kagome was green, Miroku looked rather choked up, and Shippou dove for the nearest bush. Well, Kirara was licking her fangs, but she was a predator, and used to Sango's odd knowledge after all. Sango laughed as though nothing was wrong and waved towards the dead... _thing_. "Of course, we won't be actually EATING it... I'll just prepare that deer Inuyasha bagged earlier." Everyone froze (with the exception of Inuyasha and Kirara, naturally.) Shippou had just returned, and turned a nasty color once again. Kagome laughed nervously and picked him up, muttering something about needing to feed him candy. Shippou squealed with delight as Sango confusedly nodded and let her go. Inuyasha 'feh'd' and stalked after Kagome. Only Kirara and Miroku remained, and Sango sighed. "I was just kidding. Sheesh. You'd think they'd never seen that happen before." Miroku sweatdropped and nodded, letting out a rather high-pitched giggle.

"Y-Yeah. That was... erm... fascinating, Sango-sama."

"Actually, the deer's ready... all we've got to do is cook it." Sango said, shrugging and absentmindedly slapping away Miroku's wandering hands. Kirara mewled an idea and Sango held up her forefinger in newfound delight. "I know! Why don't we make dinner for them? We could start another, bigger fire right here and..."

Miroku could only agree: cooking sounded safe. Right? Right!?

()

Soon, they were started. A fire blazing, the meat set up, the few spices they had set out... everything was perfect. Sango was gently stroking the fire when she felt something else stroking her. She whipped around, only to end up in Miroku's arms. She swallowed nervously. He spoke up easily and fluidly.

"Did you know, Sango..." he said silkily, brushing a random bang out of her face. "You're quite beautiful when you're flushed from a fire..." Sango mouthed wordlessly until his lips stopped that. She almost cried out in surprise but it was over as soon as it started. She looked up at him, swallowing nervously as he leaned in once more. Chaste kisses turned into something more, and as they parted, she looked one more time into his eyes.

They were clearly saying 'Kirara can't talk.'

()

Kagome and Shippou had officially decided: the coast was clear. Grabbing Inuyasha by the collar of his haori and dragging him along, they went in search of their three other friends. They were walking along, calling out names, when Kirara came skittering down the path. Her frantic mews alerted Kagome that something was most definitely wrong. Kagome, putting on a worried face, pulled Inuyasha along faster. When he yelled his complaints, she let go and merely said:

"SIT!!"

()

After that little fiasco, Kagome, Inuyasha, and Shippou eventually made it to where their friends had been. Kagome held up a hand.

"Listen... isn't that Miroku-sama's voice?"

Here is what they heard:

"Sango-chan, not so rough now... Kami, I..."

"Oh great! Just look what you've done! You've gone off and pushed it in!"

"Erm... it's NOT supposed to be like that?"

"Well OBVIOUSLY not... you've got to run it through... you've never done this before, have you, Houshi-sama?"

Kagome choked and stood rigid on the spot. Inuyasha rolled his eyes.

"Well... erm... to be perfectly honest, Sango... no..."

"Well, that was an easy guess. Just look what happened when you pulled this open in the first place!"

Now Inuyasha was getting uncomfortable.

"Well, I'm SO-rry! I never knew it was so damned _tight_- I would've just let _you_ do it, but no... you said you'd like _me _to!"

"Naturally! My hands were a little bit preoccupied at the time, or didn't you notice!?"

"If you hadn't been trying to pointlessly spice things up..."

"I thought you liked it that way!"

Kagome and Inuyasha clamped their hands tightly over Shippou's ears. Shippou was more lost then Kagome in math class.

"Wait! Since WHEN do you know how to do this so well!?"

"I told you already! The men in my village taught me how!"

"Not the women?"

"Of COURSE not the women, Houshi-sama! They were too afraid to get all dirty!"

"...I'm not, Sango-sama... if you're willing to teach me..."

"Fine. FINE. First off, pull it out. Nice and easy- careful! Don't tear anything! Jeezuz!"

A loud grunt was heard. Sango's sigh came next.

"There. That's better. Now, put it back in. Slowly... _slowly_! Kami!"

"Alright! Alright! It's in! How's that?"

"Much better. Hmm... wiggle it a bit. We'll see how that goes."

Miroku's sigh of satisfaction. Kagome was looking mortified, Inuyasha was covering one of his ears with one of his hands. The other was still held against a complaining Shippou.

"Mm, much better. Nice job, Houshi-sama. See how it fits so much nicer if you just _accommodate_?"

"Yes. You are a brilliant woman, Sango-sama. But... how do we know when it's..."

"Oh, we'll taste it."

Kagome twitched and silently ordered Kirara to take Shippou back. She did so, and Kagome, her face flaming, turned to Inuyasha. He was too busy digging a hole for his head to notice her.

"Which one of us, Sango-sama?"

"Hmm... I think I will... it's starting to sound good. Go on, take it out. And don't be so damn clumsy this time!"

A grunt.

"There, Sango-sama. How's that?"

"Perfect. You're learning well. Here, let me have a taste-"

"Erm, it's dripping..."

"Houshi-sama..." Sango sighed. "What did you expect? Come on, lean over... mmm..."

A slight sucking noise. Kagome hit her head against the ground and Inuyasha muttered about the pervert rubbing off on her.

"Tastes good, Houshi-sama... but it needs to go back in for a while before it's up to my expectations."

"Maybe if you rub it a bit... you know... do that kneading thing you did earlier..."

"Hmm, maybe. Let me go get my kit."

Kagome sputtered. A kit!? Sango had a _kit_!?!?

"Ah. Here we go."

"Mm.. it's looking better already... when can I taste it, Sango-sama?"

"Here, let me just... if it would just part, dammit... There we go. Ok, have at."

"Mmm... damn, Sango... that juice... mmm..."

Sango laughed in a rather sultry way.

"That's what all the 'pointless spicing' was for, baka!"

"Once again: you are a brilliantly deviant woman, Sango-sama."

"Thank you, Houshi-sama. Now, put it back in."

"But I want more!"

"Trust me, it gets better."

"Fine. I trust you, Sango-sama."

"As you ought to while we're at this stage, Houshi-sama. I am far better at this."

Kagome was hiding in Inuyasha's haori, too afraid to interrupt and too afraid to leave them alone. Inuyasha was concentrating on having non-Miroku thoughts.

"Hmm... swirl it, Houshi."

"An excellent idea."

"That's fucking it," snarled Inuyasha. He dumped Kagome on the ground and stormed past the bushes. Kagome sighed in relief until-

"Oh... so THAT's..."

"You want a taste, Inuyasha?" Sango asked sweetly.

"Sure! Mm... you taste better then what Kagome..."

"NOW HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Kagome cried out, storming into the bushes as well. "YOU SHOULDN'T BE TELLING HER WHAT WE'VE... YOU KEEP AWAY FROM SANGO'S..." She faltered as she saw what they were up to.

"Hey, Kagome-chan!" Sango greeted happily. "You wanna help us cook? See, we would've just roasted this flank... But Houshi-sama had to drop it into the fire, so we had to cook it in a pot. Then it wouldn't fit in there because Houshi-sama doesn't know a THING about space-saving or cooking... Kagome? Kagome? Are you ok?"

()

"Sango? Are you awake?" Miroku called softly to the apparently sleeping girl.

"Ugh... I was..."

"Sorry, but... I wanted to tell you thank you for today. Tonight, I mean."

"It was nothing," Sango said, and slowly kissed him.

()

Well, that was amusing. What did thou think? This is actually very similar to an experience I had while camping, and I had a stroke of brilliance (not really... --) and turned it into a fiction. So no, I didn't get my idea from 'Mmm, Tastes Like A Lemon' (another brilliant fiction.) My friend suggested that and I wanted to clear it up that I SERIOUSLY made this up on my own. Oh- and when Miroku calls Sango a brilliantly deviant woman, please keep in mind that deviant can mean either 'straying from the common path' OR 'a sexual pervert'. I owe that brilliance, actually... to my mother. -shiver- Creepy, no??

Review?? Please?? (This is like my only comedy I've ever done...)

-FL


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